The Iceberg

The first half of 2023 broke me down. My long-term romantic partnership had been unraveling since the previous November, so living and working together was a challenge, and I was both burnt out and vortexed in at the retreat center/residential community we ran in Hawaii.

It was May when I heard about Dojo. My friend Kyle was planning to head to New York for an Immersion in radical personal growth at the end of June and he needed a partner. When he invited me to go with him, I remember feeling hit in the gut by his simple question, “Does your life reflect what you want to create?”

From the outside looking in, I had it all. A little over two years after arriving in Hawaii for what I thought would be a three-week stay, I was operating my first business leasing out a retreat center. The story of how I arrived at the helm will have to be told another time. This story is about the iceberg.

The iceberg I’m talking about is made up of my individual patterns, societal programming and influences, and unresolved trauma around certain life experiences. This combination of habits and stories are largely responsible for most of our preferences, beliefs, values, and choices. When I looked at my own and zoomed out, I noticed that the life I had created for myself, although beautiful, closely resembled predictable, well-ingrained shapes that I’d already lived. I had to ask myself, was I really that free after all?

Living on 8 acres with 15-25 other people reminded me of my childhood home from 6-13, which I spent on an acre of land with my immediate family (3 siblings and 2 parents). We were homeschooled, so I spent my time playing and doing schoolwork. Had I chosen this lifestyle because it was truly my preference, or because it felt familiar and safe?

This inquiry brought up more questions than answers: Why did I feel so trapped and burnt out? Why was my primary relationship blowing up? Why did I feel so immovable and unable to explore the island? Why did it feel like I had more work than I could ever possibly finish? Why was I always stressed about money? And, why was I always trying to help the group harmonize at the expense of my own well-being?

The more I thought about it, these patterns had been features of my life since I was a teenager, or even earlier. It was time to make some changes.

So I started Dojo and before entering, Kyle asked, “Are you open to the possibility that you might come out a different person on the other side of this?”

***

The Immersion shattered me, splintering my known world into a thousand pieces. Throughout, our instructor noted that I was spending about 80% of my time in a freeze. A common trauma response to perceived danger or stress, it’s called the freeze because it resembles an animal in the wild playing dead to avoid further notice or harm.

This was how I’d survived my time as a professional athlete and how I’d survived sexual assault. As these places were thawing, I had to meet them, some as if for the first time. No one had ever taken my trauma seriously. Being seen like this gave me permission to come a bit out of my shell.

So how to thaw from a perpetual freeze?

Eyes closed, I’m instructed to tell myself, “It’s ok to not be frozen.” As I hear my own words I open my eyes and feel something new, a softness that hadn't been there before. The other participants are invited to check in with me from time to time by simply asking, “Are you frozen?”

As a group of edge players who like to push boundaries, the whole group is instructed to approach me with gentleness. This is because the freeze literally ices over any natural reaction you might have to violence. The others help create a safe environment so that I can melt, slowly and steadily, allowing these hidden places to surface and take breath. Of course, some of what thaws is the inclination to fight back. So, we also create space for me to counterattack, rewiring my neurology, my soma, and what’s possible for me moving forward.

There’s more to do. The ice is thick. But my returning to more of who I am and what it feels like when more of me is available has begun.

What program is your primal character running? How is your history controlling you? What parts of yourself are completely offline?

What’s your iceberg?