Open to Receive

I’d spent hours searching for an inspired costume and settled on something that was a reach for my primary character - a stainless steel harness adorned with quartz and Swarovski crystals and $380. I’d never even owned a harness before, much less one fit for a queen. Around the same time, a follower on Instagram had asked if I sold any content. I had wanted to sell art forever, and this was my chance. I asked him what he wanted, and he gingerly requested nude underwater art. I felt bold and made an ask unlike any I’d made before - to exchange such a video in exchange for the harness. 

He agreed, and I was awash with embarrassment, delight, insecurity, and an undeniable pulse that thrummed deep inside me. Someone appreciating what I had created felt like completing the circuit. Would it feel transactional? Would I feel held, seen, and supported? Or used, dropped, and cheap? The answer was the former. It felt wonderful to be witnessed in my underwater magic. I felt fulfilled, and alive in a way that I’d never felt before.

At my first DNGN I’d had the privilege of lighting the candles with the event host, which were used to drip wax and massage a lovely goddess who stayed on the table for most of the night, receiving a multiplicity of touch I hadn’t even known was possible. She’d encouraged me to open myself to receiving that much attention, I suppose I’d been energetically preparing ever since.

So when the event finally came, I got to take my turn as a goddess in human form. What would it be like to allow strangers to touch me? Would I be safe? Could I surrender?

Yes, and yes. I felt worshiped and cherished. The touch was loving and welcome. One man touched my yoni over my underwear, and after checking in with myself, I merely moved his hand, without drama, to make my boundaries clear. 

“Please pause, and come into still touch,” I directed, as the cast of characters around me evolved, mostly men, until there were four standing around me. It felt like a ceremony.

As I breathed into the space, I grabbed one of the men and whispered, “I’d like to surrender more fully, and I’m putting you in charge. I especially enjoy the touch on my neck and would love it if someone sucked on my toes.” 

He agreed to take the reins, and I simply let go. Closing my eyes, I disappeared into my internal experience. It was a psychedelic world where nothing existed except sensation and pleasure both inside and outside my body as the divine flowed through and for me. Without needing to control,  I was re-claiming my sensual sovereignty, my birthright.

Waves of pleasure surged through my body as I pulsed and quivered. Something deep inside me wanted to move. Scared, but wanting to go deeper, I used my voice to ask for what I wanted. 

“I really like what you are doing, and I’d like to drop even more into it. Can you add intensity?”

The energy moved through constricted places, as those around me helped it do so, especially in my throat, places of holding and old ideas giving way to life without mind. In this liberation I’m no longer Ali but something larger still. That I, that we all are just vessels for greater wholeness and that this is the mana of living. 

Contained by the event and this smaller gathering - I was unfurling within a vast embrace, my body shook as energy pulsed through every chakra, a fully embodied energy orgasm - I was the cosmos, I am. 

As the symphony slowed, I came to rest, turning onto my side, I was fetal and new, as I pulled all the beings near me close, covering me as much as possible. I was in the womb again, about to rebirth myself from this surrendered state into love and care. 

Slowly I move my body into a seated position, Changed. Different. Unexpected.  

I put my harness back on, and return to the room, to the DNGN, to life.

If you would like to open yourself up more to your feelings, receiving the feelings of others, or interpersonal dance skills, come join the program I am co-hosting on the Big Island this upcoming February and early March. Learn more at hawaiiecoretreat.com. We are still looking for 3 more participants to join our container, reach out to [email protected] if you might be one of them!!